Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
