I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
