before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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