Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
