oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
