i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
