Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
