I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize