There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
