I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
