if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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