Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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