so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
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