You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
