jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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