Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
