My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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