I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
