he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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