is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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