It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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