Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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