i think i scared a bird with my dick
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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