Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
