I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
