please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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