respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
