i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
