I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
True strength comes from lack of pants
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
