So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize