Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
do nipples grow back?
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