We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
