I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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