i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
