I should be sponsored by Trojan
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
