ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
