I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
