I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
