I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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