Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My dick has a subreddit
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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