I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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