you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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