Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize