shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
