Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
