I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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