cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
