I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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