so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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