I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
