It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
