Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
