I murdered the dance floor call the cops
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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