please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
