I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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