think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
