I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
