I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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