youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
