Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
