dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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